Fueled with motivation!

I actually really need to finish my essay on Accounting right now but I just have to blog about this.

So.... I attended a workshop today held by the huge and very successful company called Catlin in London called Successful Women in Business. I'm so glad I took this opportunity as I actually had another talk in uni about my 2nd year modules to attend but I chose this instead.

I kept getting emails about it a few weeks back but didnt really give it much thought at first but then with every email I received, I got more and more interested in it and thought it would be something useful. So asked my friends to apply for it along with me. So the three of us (me, Nia and Phuong) applied for it but unfortunately, last week, only I received a confirmation email saying I was chosen to attend it.

To apply for this workshop, we had to send in a short paragraph of why we wanted to attend this workshop and in the confirmation email, the counselor in charged mentioned that she only chose those that convinced her that they were motivated to attend it. So i guess I got lucky because I thought mine was just a very simple paragraph. I think only 16 people were chosen to attend this workshop.

Carrying on to what happened today... I made my way (alone) to the Catlin building in London and I've never been to that area of London before. When I walked out of the Tube station (Monument), I was totally blown away by all the modern high rise buildings and office buildings and all the office workers in suits and high heels walking confidently along the pavements at a super fast pace. At that moment, I knew I wanted my future to be in a setting like this. Like, just looking and experiencing that environment and atmosphere inspired me. At least now I know where I need to go when I need inspiration haha.

I stepped into the Catlin building and it was so busy! Workers and staff were making their way in and out of the building and there were barriers and the receptionists where you had to have a special pass to get through. Although I dont know what and where I want to work at in the future, but I definitely want to be working in a place like that. I sat down at the reception area where I saw a few other Queen Mary students and waited for the counselor to arrive to guide us through the barriers. I thought this workshop was held for a few universities and that we'll meet people from other universities but no.... it was exclusively for Queen Mary students (only ladies) and there were only16 of us with a few professionals in kinda like a conference/discussion room. 

To briefly go through what they planned for us... They started by introducing Catlin. Then, the woman in charged of Catlin's global operations (a very very successful woman) gave a talk on her life experiences and what she went through all her life to get to where she is today. Her story was so inspirational. She started her life as a child and teenager with everything because her father was working in the oil industry but then during the oil crisis, they were left with almost nothing. So she had to work hard and did some shitty jobs before she got the opportunity to work at IBM and now Catlin. She gave a few very useful tips, one of them was: grab onto every opportunity you can get. Women tend to be indecisive and worry too much which results in us missing out in a lot of good opportunities.She also mentioned that it is really really important to build networks. I guess since it is the business industry (Catlin is a huge insurance firm), networks means almost everything. When she asked us why we chose to study business and management or maths (there were some students taking Maths), a few who answered said that they still dont know what field/industry they want to be in yet but they mentioned what they were interested in. she then reassured us that we dont really need to be exactly sure where or what we want to be now because our circumstances can change all the time and that the most important thing is to get into somewhere and put in your all and get the most experience you can out of that job, basically just grab every opportunity you can and gain experience from it. I liked that she mentioned, "Nothing is forever", because I myself still cant decide on what industry or what job or what I wanna do after my degree. I'm so scared that I'm going to make the wrong decision and end up somewhere I dont want to be. So the fact that she mentioned that gaining experience and building networks is the most important thing, you wont have any problem transitioning into different industries, as long as you work hard. Although I'm not sure of where my future lies, but I'm definitely willing to work hard for it. 

Following that, 2 other people from the company gave presentations on how to make a good impression and on communication skills. Out of everything business is about, they chose these two main topics to focus on which proves how important they are. People only take 3 seconds to have an opinion on you. So you need to be on your A game every minute of the day. Just by walking through the Catlin building, I alr witnessed how important that is. Every professional that walked through that door looked like a professional and it just made me want to work there even more. 

And on communication skills.... it made me a bit stressed... because my communication skills is just shit. However, it motivated me to want to improve myself and it just takes practice and experience... and confidence. I just need to get out of my shell and out of my comfort zone. At the end of the communication skills presentation, the lady showed a few examples of successful and inspiring women in politics and business and before she ended it, she asked a few of us which women inspired us and she pointed at me and I was like..... "Uhhhhh...." The first person who popped into my head was CL. So i hesitated in mentioning her but i didnt know what else to say so i said, (stumbling all over my words) "erm... there's this person, she's not very famous or anything... she's a korean singer and she's very inspirational because in the Asian culture, women are always supposed to be more conservative but she was very brave to be different. Her idols are people like Beyonce and she always said that women can do anything men can and it's important to step out of your comfort zone and be different." Like seriously, thinking back, I feel kinda embarrassed. That wasnt the message I wanted to get across but I just couldnt think of the right words to say. And because it's CL's bday today (HAPPY BDAY TO THE BADDEST FEMALE), she was the first person I thought of. She is just so beautiful and amazing and awesome and I just love her. I just cant believe I mentioned Beyonce LOL. But the lady liked my answer and said she liked how i mentioned about stepping out of your comfort zone. Ngl, it was nerve-wrecking. LOL

After that, we had a break to grab some coffee/tea and some small (very yummy) desserts and cakes. Then a chinese girl in my course named Renita (we have the same initials!) whom I never got the chance to talk to in uni before, came over and asked me who I was talking about just now. Surprisingly, she also listens to Kpop hehehe. She's really sweet. While we were having our tea/coffee, we were split into small groups and seated around tables, and some volunteers/employees (successful women) came and talk to us. We talked about what we plan to do in the future, their experiences in their careers, gained some insights into the insurance and accounting industry, and they gave us some tips and advice on how to proceed after our degree. I found that session so useful. A few of the women did accounting but are now working in different fields and most of them said they hated accounting (hahahahaha), which just reassured us that although we may not like the stuff we're studying now or the path we're taking now are not the ideal one, there's still a chance to take a different path in the future and that your degree isn't everything. Most of the women who talked to us also mentioned that they don't like doing the the same thing everyday/ for a long time, they like to have a chance to work in a different environment or just a different job which justifies the "Nothing is forever" fact. There was this one lady that said she had a 2:2 for her degree but yet still she managed to enter Catlin and have a successful career because she had some good networks. There was a lady in the Catlin graduate scheme that advised us not to think so much about the qualifications and the competitiveness when it comes to applying for internships or anything, just give it your all and apply to as many places as you can. We had this session for about an hour then they made a closing statement and then we headed home! 

I just feel so motivated after this workshop. I have no idea where or what I want to do after my degree but these successful women just reassured me that it doesn't matter (or that it isnt that important), and that the most important thing is to gain experience and build up your network. So I guess that's what I have to do. I know what my weaknesses are and I know it's time to improve them. I also need to be more confident in my strengths and utilise them. At lease now I gained some insight into the real working environment and gained some knowledge about the insurance and accounting industry and maybe that would be something I can consider doing too. Like my aunt said the other day, since now I'm still a student, I should take the opportunity to gain experience in different fields in order to figure out where I really fit in. I have some ideas of what I want to do in the coming summer. I've done some research online, although most of the internships i want to apply for are not available anymore, I'll just try my luck on other stuff. And I really want a part-time job at Hotel Chocolat~~~~ I need to called up each London store or personally go into them to ask whether they're currently having any vacancies and hopefully pass them my CV and hopefully (fingers crossed) get an opportunity to work there. But yeah, overall, this workshop managed to take a huge stone off my shoulders and took away some worries. Just as long as I work hard and take any opportunities that come my way, something will work out eventually. 

I've met so many inspiring people ever since I came to the UK: amazing friends, some coursemates (cant really count them as friends), lecturers, my aunt (hate to admit it but she is one very capable woman), and these successful women. I hope i can inspire others too. My aunt kept asking me, why did you choose to come to the UK? What's the difference between studying for a degree in Malaysia and here? My answer was: I cant really answer that question because I wouldnt know what's the difference. I would have to study in Malaysia to be able to compare. I want to say that if I didnt come to the UK, I wouldnt meet all these inspiring people but I might meet some inspiring people in Msia as well. But I guess I can say that it's the job opportunities I can get here. I want to say there's a bigger chance of having a better life here than in Msia but that may not be true. There are a lot of successful people in Malaysia as well. 

However, I love it here (at least more than I love it in Msia, sry for not being very patriotic). London is an inspiring place and i guess my dream is to live and work in the city, but that may also change in the future. We all want a better live, we all want to be successful but I guess in my case, I just have to believe in myself; believe that I can do it. I just lack that confidence and hopefully, I can start building that up in the coming years. I need to surround myself with inspiring people and inspiring quotes. hehe 

need to get back to my essay now.... 

hope to blog again soon... maybe in April.... when I'll be living in a different place.... : )

Taking Control Of My Life

In my last post, I mentioned about how I'm not satisfied with how I've chosen to live my life up until now and how I haven't been in control of my own life; I've just been letting others make decisions for me. In my whole life, I've rarely ever made any (big, life-changing) decisions on my own. There was once, when I was 8, where I decided that I didnt want to go into the first class in primary school although I was qualified for it which I bravely told my uncle and my mum and my teacher about. And, most importantly, I was happy about it and I will rmb it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, when my mum suggested I go to Convent instead of Molek for secondary school, my uncle objected and listed a bunch of reasons for why it was a bad idea. Not that I regretted anything, just an example of how I had no control of my life. For college, a part of me wanted to go for ADP instead of A-Levels, but then because of my uncle, I chose A-Levels which was useful, and stressful but not really what I wanted. I took the SATs without telling my uncle and when he knew he asked why I took it, and I didnt dare to say why. And then now... coming to the UK, I cant say that I didn't want to come because I did and I know it was the right decision but once again, it wasn't really my idea and I felt like I had no choice but to come. And I know a lot of people will say that, then it's a total waste of effort and money if this is not really what you wanted. But tbh, I didnt know what I want. I just took for granted that my uncle had everything planned out for me and I thought I didnt have a choice while I did, but I just didnt take the opportunity to choose and went with it. I'm not regretting anything about it though. The thing I do regret is not saying no while my uncle suggested that I stay with my aunt. but I knew this was something he planned out over the last few years and, once again, I thought I didnt have a choice. I didnt want to spend money, that was my excuse for not saying 'no'. But now I regret it and I think my uncle and aunt regrets it too. Because it's so obvious that this is not what I want. I guess we all knew it was a bad idea but went along with it and hoped that it would all work out.
And this leads to the next thing I want to talk about....

In my last post, I also listed a few things I've done in my life that I'm proud of. And I'm about to do something I'm definitely gonna be proud of myself for -- I've decided to move out into London. Well, I've been thinking about it ever since I came to live with my aunt but I just kept trying to compromise with my aunt and swallow all my anger and frustration I've experienced while living with her.... but I can't stand it anymore. I also mentioned in my last post about my bucket-list that I wanted to live on my own. I guess it's coming true! But I'll be renting a room, most probably small, and will be sharing a flat with a bunch of other people that I know nothing about, which is something I'm not looking forward to, but you never know, I may meet some awesome people. Or not.

The other day, my aunt had a discussion with me. We actually had a few discussions (which I hated and would never want to experience again) on this matter over the last two months... and every single time, she mentioned how unhappy I looked. And she kept questioning why. I said, "No, I'm not unhappy." but i'm not happy either... it's just that I never said it out loud. Because if I did tell the truth, she'd ask for reasons... and I wouldn't know what to say. I was not happy because of her. but how do you expect me to say that in her face? I would never be able to do that. That would just hurt her and I would never do that. I dont hate her. I know all she's been doing while I've been here is to help me and guide me.... it's just that, she did it in her way, which was.... harsh. And I'm not tough enough to endure all of it. I wanted to say that I dont have my freedom while living with her. but she said it before I could. she said that I could do whatever i wanted as long as I told her about it. But that's what I dont want. I dont like reporting to her. I dont like telling her everything I do (which is what she wants). And if she wants me to tell her stuff, she needs to tell me stuff too. but she doesnt, at all! Which I think is unfair! I dont tell her stuff because I don't trust her. And she obviously doesnt trust me either. I rmb during the first month I was here, she was the one who said, try to come home before it gets dark. I was like, ..... but it gets dark at 4pm here. But i went along with it and come back as early as I can. but now she's saying I can stay out late as along as I inform her about it?! That's what she always does that makes me so annoyed. One day she says this, another day she says the opposite and she makes me feel useless for not using my brain to solve my own problems while she's the one that cant think straightly! Like ytd, I cooked dinner and decided to watch Youtube videos on my laptop while eating. Then she says, "Dont do that. When you're eating, just focus on eating!" So I gave in and ate. But then, she goes and sit in front of the TV and eats her dinner (which is something we always do)! I mean, what's the difference?! Why cant I watch whatever I want on my laptop whenever i want?! And she's saying I have the freedom to do anything I want! She just keeps trying to control me and I've had enough of it. I guess because my mum and my uncle never really controlled me (or managed to), I'm just not used it! But who in the world would like to live with a control freak?! So.... enough ranting. It's making me angry just thinking about these stuff. And I've been enduring all these for almost 5 months and I've had enough. I want to move out asap.

But the problem I now have is... I cant move out asap. Actually I can... but there's my job that I need to think about. I'm a month away from ending my probation and I really want to get through it.... but I can still come back to Watford when I need to work right? Since I'm only working on Saturdays and only for 4 hrs. I need to inform my aunt about it but I dont think she'd approve. Or I could just not tell her.
Plus, there's quite a few things to consider and think through before moving out... I'll have a find a nice and affordable room first, that's the main thing. It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done.

Another thing is that, I really really dont want to use any of my aunt's money anymore. Now she's paying for my travel fees and my food and utilities.... But if I move out, I really dont want to use any of her money anymore. I want to support myself, but I know that's kinda impossible at the moment and that I'll somehow still need some financial support. I'll definitely find a job in London but that would most probably only pay for my food. So I've got a lot of thinking to do and my aunt will definitely have a few more discussion with me before I move (which I'm dreading already). She actually suggested I rent a room in Watford, which I thought was stupid. When I told my friends, they thought it was meaningless too. Like, what's the point? My point of moving out is to get far away from her, and the furthest I can get is only to London, which is only a 20 min train ride away. and what's the point in spending money on rent and still needing to spend on transport into London (which is freaking expensive!)?!
I want to move out also because I want to live near campus, so that I dont need to spend freaking 3 hours on travelling all the time. But i know... she wants me close by because she's doesnt trust that I can take care of myself and she's scared of the thought of me living alone in London. She mentioned, "At least I can protect you if you're here [with me], if you're outside, I cant protect you." I seriously wanted to answer back and say I dont want her to protect me, that's not what I came here for. But i didnt. I really feel that she thinks i'm still a little girl. Weak, timid and scared. But I'm not and she obviously doesnt know me.






Some people have a long list of new year's resolutions. My naive self used to make a list too but not this year. It's time to grow up. So I made one promise with myself and that is to be brave; to explore, dream and discover.

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -- Mark Twain

I've seen this quote multiple times on Tumblr, Twitter and I've heard others talking about it too but I could never really relate to it. But then this one day last December, I think I saw the "Explore. Dream. Discover." part in one of the Thought Catalog articles, and it just struck me. Like, that's what I need to do. That's what I'll do in 2014 and for the rest of my life. Thus, I made a promise with myself.

And just now, I was watching The Carrie Diaries (which I love love love~) and caught this line....

Sometimes to chase after your future, you have to stop running and plant yourself in one place. Take a stand and fight for what you want. And know that even after the darkest of nights, the dawn will come. And you will find a place where you don't have to hide. A place to call home. 

My mum, my uncle and my aunt.... all they want is for me to be happy. I want to be happy too and I want them to be happy too. But I was stupid to think that, if I did what they wanted me to do, and if I can save money for them, and sacrifice my own happiness, they would be happy. But I was obviously very wrong. They want to see me be happy and then only they can be happy. I guess i was just really stupid to think that there was no way all of us could be happy at the same time.

Enough said, from now on, I will try... to be happy. It's just that, the other day when my aunt asked me what makes me happy.... all i could think of was the internet. Laugh all you want, but i think that's kinda pathetic. And sad. I feel like I forgot how to be happy, or what it feels like to be truly happy. Well, I am happy when I'm hanging out with my friends nowadays. So I'm keeping that feeling in mind and I'm gonna search for more of it.

So... wish me good luck! I really hope everything works out the way i want them to.
I'm really excited though... I'm finally in control of my own life.