Taking Control Of My Life

In my last post, I mentioned about how I'm not satisfied with how I've chosen to live my life up until now and how I haven't been in control of my own life; I've just been letting others make decisions for me. In my whole life, I've rarely ever made any (big, life-changing) decisions on my own. There was once, when I was 8, where I decided that I didnt want to go into the first class in primary school although I was qualified for it which I bravely told my uncle and my mum and my teacher about. And, most importantly, I was happy about it and I will rmb it for the rest of my life. On the other hand, when my mum suggested I go to Convent instead of Molek for secondary school, my uncle objected and listed a bunch of reasons for why it was a bad idea. Not that I regretted anything, just an example of how I had no control of my life. For college, a part of me wanted to go for ADP instead of A-Levels, but then because of my uncle, I chose A-Levels which was useful, and stressful but not really what I wanted. I took the SATs without telling my uncle and when he knew he asked why I took it, and I didnt dare to say why. And then now... coming to the UK, I cant say that I didn't want to come because I did and I know it was the right decision but once again, it wasn't really my idea and I felt like I had no choice but to come. And I know a lot of people will say that, then it's a total waste of effort and money if this is not really what you wanted. But tbh, I didnt know what I want. I just took for granted that my uncle had everything planned out for me and I thought I didnt have a choice while I did, but I just didnt take the opportunity to choose and went with it. I'm not regretting anything about it though. The thing I do regret is not saying no while my uncle suggested that I stay with my aunt. but I knew this was something he planned out over the last few years and, once again, I thought I didnt have a choice. I didnt want to spend money, that was my excuse for not saying 'no'. But now I regret it and I think my uncle and aunt regrets it too. Because it's so obvious that this is not what I want. I guess we all knew it was a bad idea but went along with it and hoped that it would all work out.
And this leads to the next thing I want to talk about....

In my last post, I also listed a few things I've done in my life that I'm proud of. And I'm about to do something I'm definitely gonna be proud of myself for -- I've decided to move out into London. Well, I've been thinking about it ever since I came to live with my aunt but I just kept trying to compromise with my aunt and swallow all my anger and frustration I've experienced while living with her.... but I can't stand it anymore. I also mentioned in my last post about my bucket-list that I wanted to live on my own. I guess it's coming true! But I'll be renting a room, most probably small, and will be sharing a flat with a bunch of other people that I know nothing about, which is something I'm not looking forward to, but you never know, I may meet some awesome people. Or not.

The other day, my aunt had a discussion with me. We actually had a few discussions (which I hated and would never want to experience again) on this matter over the last two months... and every single time, she mentioned how unhappy I looked. And she kept questioning why. I said, "No, I'm not unhappy." but i'm not happy either... it's just that I never said it out loud. Because if I did tell the truth, she'd ask for reasons... and I wouldn't know what to say. I was not happy because of her. but how do you expect me to say that in her face? I would never be able to do that. That would just hurt her and I would never do that. I dont hate her. I know all she's been doing while I've been here is to help me and guide me.... it's just that, she did it in her way, which was.... harsh. And I'm not tough enough to endure all of it. I wanted to say that I dont have my freedom while living with her. but she said it before I could. she said that I could do whatever i wanted as long as I told her about it. But that's what I dont want. I dont like reporting to her. I dont like telling her everything I do (which is what she wants). And if she wants me to tell her stuff, she needs to tell me stuff too. but she doesnt, at all! Which I think is unfair! I dont tell her stuff because I don't trust her. And she obviously doesnt trust me either. I rmb during the first month I was here, she was the one who said, try to come home before it gets dark. I was like, ..... but it gets dark at 4pm here. But i went along with it and come back as early as I can. but now she's saying I can stay out late as along as I inform her about it?! That's what she always does that makes me so annoyed. One day she says this, another day she says the opposite and she makes me feel useless for not using my brain to solve my own problems while she's the one that cant think straightly! Like ytd, I cooked dinner and decided to watch Youtube videos on my laptop while eating. Then she says, "Dont do that. When you're eating, just focus on eating!" So I gave in and ate. But then, she goes and sit in front of the TV and eats her dinner (which is something we always do)! I mean, what's the difference?! Why cant I watch whatever I want on my laptop whenever i want?! And she's saying I have the freedom to do anything I want! She just keeps trying to control me and I've had enough of it. I guess because my mum and my uncle never really controlled me (or managed to), I'm just not used it! But who in the world would like to live with a control freak?! So.... enough ranting. It's making me angry just thinking about these stuff. And I've been enduring all these for almost 5 months and I've had enough. I want to move out asap.

But the problem I now have is... I cant move out asap. Actually I can... but there's my job that I need to think about. I'm a month away from ending my probation and I really want to get through it.... but I can still come back to Watford when I need to work right? Since I'm only working on Saturdays and only for 4 hrs. I need to inform my aunt about it but I dont think she'd approve. Or I could just not tell her.
Plus, there's quite a few things to consider and think through before moving out... I'll have a find a nice and affordable room first, that's the main thing. It's not going to be easy but it needs to be done.

Another thing is that, I really really dont want to use any of my aunt's money anymore. Now she's paying for my travel fees and my food and utilities.... But if I move out, I really dont want to use any of her money anymore. I want to support myself, but I know that's kinda impossible at the moment and that I'll somehow still need some financial support. I'll definitely find a job in London but that would most probably only pay for my food. So I've got a lot of thinking to do and my aunt will definitely have a few more discussion with me before I move (which I'm dreading already). She actually suggested I rent a room in Watford, which I thought was stupid. When I told my friends, they thought it was meaningless too. Like, what's the point? My point of moving out is to get far away from her, and the furthest I can get is only to London, which is only a 20 min train ride away. and what's the point in spending money on rent and still needing to spend on transport into London (which is freaking expensive!)?!
I want to move out also because I want to live near campus, so that I dont need to spend freaking 3 hours on travelling all the time. But i know... she wants me close by because she's doesnt trust that I can take care of myself and she's scared of the thought of me living alone in London. She mentioned, "At least I can protect you if you're here [with me], if you're outside, I cant protect you." I seriously wanted to answer back and say I dont want her to protect me, that's not what I came here for. But i didnt. I really feel that she thinks i'm still a little girl. Weak, timid and scared. But I'm not and she obviously doesnt know me.






Some people have a long list of new year's resolutions. My naive self used to make a list too but not this year. It's time to grow up. So I made one promise with myself and that is to be brave; to explore, dream and discover.

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -- Mark Twain

I've seen this quote multiple times on Tumblr, Twitter and I've heard others talking about it too but I could never really relate to it. But then this one day last December, I think I saw the "Explore. Dream. Discover." part in one of the Thought Catalog articles, and it just struck me. Like, that's what I need to do. That's what I'll do in 2014 and for the rest of my life. Thus, I made a promise with myself.

And just now, I was watching The Carrie Diaries (which I love love love~) and caught this line....

Sometimes to chase after your future, you have to stop running and plant yourself in one place. Take a stand and fight for what you want. And know that even after the darkest of nights, the dawn will come. And you will find a place where you don't have to hide. A place to call home. 

My mum, my uncle and my aunt.... all they want is for me to be happy. I want to be happy too and I want them to be happy too. But I was stupid to think that, if I did what they wanted me to do, and if I can save money for them, and sacrifice my own happiness, they would be happy. But I was obviously very wrong. They want to see me be happy and then only they can be happy. I guess i was just really stupid to think that there was no way all of us could be happy at the same time.

Enough said, from now on, I will try... to be happy. It's just that, the other day when my aunt asked me what makes me happy.... all i could think of was the internet. Laugh all you want, but i think that's kinda pathetic. And sad. I feel like I forgot how to be happy, or what it feels like to be truly happy. Well, I am happy when I'm hanging out with my friends nowadays. So I'm keeping that feeling in mind and I'm gonna search for more of it.

So... wish me good luck! I really hope everything works out the way i want them to.
I'm really excited though... I'm finally in control of my own life.