I've been wanting to sit and blog but every time I set my mind to do it, I get distracted by other things like Youtube videos or some other drama series... and I feel bad for abandoning this precious place of mine for so long. I haven't been that active on social media either, so it'll take me some time to update you guys on how my boring life has been. A lot of has happened and I actually have some photos to share, but that might have to wait because it's 2.20am now. Right now I just have one of those weird sixth sense feeling and don't want to sleep....
I came back from work just now at 9pm just like any other day and I wasn't hungry so I just took a shower and decided to chill for the rest of the night. But before I could make a cup of tea and open my laptop, Nia came into my mine room with this weird expression on her face. (And yes, since the last time I updated this blog, I have moved out of Nia's room and into my own room!) She was like, "There's something I want to tell you." And I know her well enough to know that something bad has happened. So I was like, "WHAT DID YOU DO?" Then she told me something that made her feel a bit down... and that small thing led to a long, deep and meaningful conversation.
Since I moved out of her room, the both of us has been busy with our own routines that we rarely have time to talk to each other despite us living under the same roof. We never really have a meal together anymore... which is sad because we are both worried that our time together is getting shorter and shorter. This relates to what our conversation was about just now... our future. What do we want to do? What is going to happen? Where will we be? What's the plan? We still feel lost.... with no solid plans.
The both of us dread going home... because we have gotten too attached to our lives here, yet... a part of us feel like we don't belong here. It is very challenging to stay too (for many obvious reasons). One of the obvious options for us to stay is to further our studies with a Masters degree. But we ask ourselves, is that really what we want? We didn't need to contemplate for long to know that the answer is no. We've had enough; we both know ourselves well enough to know that we don't like studying and only got so far in our studies due to our parents' plans for us. We would never want to disappoint our parents but they need to understand that studying is just not for us. For me, I'm thinking... is that ~£18000 worth it to get a Masters? How much of a difference would that make for my chances of finding a job here in the UK? Just so you know, that's the ultimate plan... to find a graduate job and start building my career here. That'll be the ideal situation for me.... but it seems so far-fetched.
The following few months are just going to be stressful for the both of us.... and I'm dreading it. Assignments... exams... graduation... But there are also things to look forward to. One being my mum's visit for my graduation in July. We'll be going travelling and get to spend some quality time together after 3 years. I do miss her. Nia and I were both sharing about the choices we had to make throughout our student-life that got us here to where we are today. And I joked about how all my wrong choices led me to her today kekeke. I was wondering and explaining to her that what if... I chose to be rebellious and insisted that I went to Foon Yew High instead of Molek... or what if I went to Convent instead? What if I was strong-minded enough and stayed with my choice of going to the Perdagangan class instead of the Science class? Maybe I would have gotten better results... because I hated studying all those science subjects. What if... i followed my mum's suggestion and studied something related to fashion instead of sticking to a safer choice of studying business... which I thought would lead to me a clear career path. And yet, here I am, 3 years after I've chose to sign myself up to this course that I didn't fully enjoy. I told Nia how I love going to work... and how I was more than willing to do a 12-hour shift from 8am to 8pm (two days in a row) than wake up for a 11am lecture. I don't want to say that I'm lazy... it's just that I'm not motivated at all to study. Nia is the same. She skips her lectures and is not whole-heartedly committed to her studies, not because she's lazy but she just doesn't see the benefit of it. And she's smart and responsible and one of the most efficient people I've met. I believe she can be excellent in any job thrown at her but when it comes to her studies.... she just does it to get over it.
It's sad to think how we sacrificed what we really wanted in life in order to not let the people we care about down... I'm thankful my mum and my uncle don't give me as much pressure as her parents do. She's more stressed out about her future than I am despite her being the calmer one between the two of us in any situation. But I truly have faith in her and believe that everything will work out somehow for us. She's smart and capable and I trust that she'll fight for what she wants in life. I was talking to my manager the other day and telling her how I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my family at the airport when I left home, mainly because I was so excited to leave for this new adventure. But I would with no doubt at all cry when I need to leave this wonderful place and leave my friends here. However, this moment reminds me of the time I was blogging before I left home 3 years ago. That period of time was so stressful too... I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite....
Anyway, our conversation had to end at 11.30pm because Nia had to sleep coz she has to work tmr morning. And I went on to watch Running Man and eat my supper. As she was leaving my room, she said she will be back to talk more which I replied with a, "Please do. I enjoy your presence." We both need each other's support and... just a listening ear to hear our worries....
Tomorrow I'll be going shopping with my friend Kar Kai~ I haven't had a girls' day out for a really long time and I can't wait to go to H&M. It's these small things that bring joy to my life. After that, I'll be joining my colleagues from work for a leaving do for one of my managers, which I hope will be fun. I have really been enjoying going to work... and I'm dreading having to leave them one day.... I love my life here and it'll be very sad if I had to leave it behind one day.... but who knows where life will lead to me to....
x
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