The older you get, the more you accept yourself for who you truly are. The things I experienced this past year has forced me to accept a lot of things about myself - good and bad. More than anything, I've accepted that I'm a very very pessimistic person. It's not like I never realised this fact about myself... it's just that it took me a really long time to accept it. However, I'm trying to change. Starting from yesterday, I've started making small changes. For example, I would say, "The weather is going to be nice tmr!/ Tmr is going to be a great day!" instead of, "Hopefully tmr's weather would be nice./ Hopefully tmr won't be too bad of a day." I need to start being more certain that good things are going to happen and not always predicting for the worst to happen. I've also accepted the fact that I would never be an outspoken person. No matter how much I try, I would never be.
I didn't have much planned for this summer (which is already over TT___TT)... but I was hoping that everything would work out as planned. I would first just enjoy life a few weeks, just chill around and then go to Italy. And when I come back, I would get a job and work and earn for the rest of the summer. At the same time, hang out with friends and make full use of my first summer experience. But things didn't work out as easy as I thought it would. I didn't manage to work as much as I wanted to and I didn't earn as much either. When things didn't work out, and when I had nothing to do, I wanted to go traveling but I worried too much about the financial aspects of things and ended up not going anywhere. I want to tell the whole story of how things didn't work out but I'm trying not to think back to those sad memories. Let's just say, I'm not very good at being a waitress. Both of my waitressing jobs didn't work out well. Sometimes I like to think that it was my bosses that were....(trying not to use any vulgarity) annoying, which they were! I would like to prove to you that they were but it's just too long of a story. After those two jobs, I kinda just lost hope in looking for another job. But staying in my room all day was suffocating me (and I needed money) so I did the usual thing... went online and applied for jobs. Things didn't get any better until September came around.
I don't have many friends in London. I basically only have three friends that I hung out with this summer and I'm very thankful for their company. But I'm more than capable at being on my own. Only a few years ago I rmb saying that I hated being alone... because I get scared and worried so easily about everything and I just needed someone by my side to let me know that I'm not alone in all of this. But I've learned to cope with it and I really enjoy being alone now. The only thing I still haven't done alone is to eat alone in a restaurant. I would rather get a take-away or starve. I might get used to that too one day. But I don't like spending a lot of money on food anyways.
Living with my aunt for six months forced me to do learn a lot of things. I guess although I didn't really enjoy the time I spent staying there, I learnt a lot. She was the one who forced me out the door to find a job. It might have taken me longer to find my first job if she wasn't there to nag me about it. She might think that I never take anything in when she nags but I do and I silently try to make some small changes to my behaviour. Yet, there were things that I couldn't change despite her constant nagging. So we had these big, serious talks that led to both of us feeling sad and my decision to move out (which is probably the best decision I've ever made yet). They were a lot of misunderstandings due to my lack of communication (I caused quite a lot of trouble for that)... I tried to change but... I just couldn't and I don't know why, that's just the way I am. But I've learned and am slowly improving.
From my first job at Paperchase up to the one at the Thai Restaurant, I've learnt a lot too, I still get a bit nervous walking up to people and asking them how they are but I'm slowly getting used to it. Customer service - something that probably doesn't really exist in Msia. LOL I know they are nice sales assistants in Msia but it's definitely more important and accustomed here. Each of my previous jobs required me to give "high-standards" of customer service and it was so tiring. Some customers can be so freaking annoying and picky and rude. But you know, at least I got some experiences out of those nasty situations. You just learn to deal with them and I try not to dwell on them too much either.
Enough of reflection, time for the good news. Uni is going to start soon. Although I'm going to dread waking up early and doing all my readings but I can't wait to learn more stuff from the modules I chose this year. Things are going to be more hectic and stressful (according to what other people said) so I'm looking forward to the days where I can't wait to get into bed after a day's hard work. I get so much satisfaction when I know I've used all the energy I had that day and can go to sleep without any regrets of not giving it my best (I bet everyone's the same on this). I guess that's why there are days where I just don't want to go to sleep. Another good news (if you saw my tweet) is that I got a new job! I refused to look for any waitressing jobs after those bad experiences so I applied for a sales assistant job at John Lewis and went for the interview and group assessment on the 11th and got the job! I was lucky in a way because not everyone turned up to that assessment on that day so I guess they had less people to choose from but I would also like to have a bit of confidence and say that I did a good job at the assessment >____< It's a seasonal job (up until after the busy Christmas period) and I don't know how many hours they'll give me or when I get to start work yet but it just reassures me that I won't need to worry about not having any income anymore! At least I now have something good to look forward to~ Although it's yet another customer service job but it's John Lewis! What made me happier than getting the job was to finally have good news to tell everyone (my aunt, uncle, mum, Veronica, and friends)! I know each of these people have been worrying about me a lot. They kept worrying about me living alone, not having a stable income, not having enough to eat and etc. but I know how to take care of myself. And if I really need help, I would ask for help although it would be the last thing I want to do. One thing else is that I'll be going to Heathrow airport to pick up students for Queen Mary tmr and on Sunday! It's a well paid job and I think it's going to be fun~
Lastly, I'm going to turn 20 soon. It's not that big of a deal but I guess it's something to look forward to too. I hope I'll be able to celebrate it with my friends~ I have a bottle of champagne in my fridge that my flatmate gave me (coz they don't drink) and I can't wait to open it! We'll probably celebrate the start of a new academic year as well~ Looking back, I'm proud of what I've done this past year despite all the mistakes I made, I could've done a lot of things better; worked harder; studied harder; tried harder; but there's no use regretting anything now. I just need to promise myself to make the following year a more memorable one. Not to give myself that much pressure and enjoy myself while giving it my best. Things have just started getting better and I wish for more good stuff to happen in the future so that next year, on the 11th/12th of September, when I look back, I'll be proud of myself for what I've achieved. I don't want to let anyone down either.
p/s: I've been listening to a chinese podcast called "夜市归人" recently and there was one episode where they were talking about success and failure and regret and this part stood out for me....
"....因为我相信遗憾比失败更可怕。"
So I just want to mention that despite my unsuccessful experiences over this summer, I'm glad I experienced them and got something out of them. And I want to tell you guys to.... be brave to explore, dream and discover because there's so much more to life.
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